10 Reasons Squats Are A Terrible Exercise

by Chris on February 18, 2013

It is well documented that squats are a horrible exercise choice for anyone who actually cares about their body. They are reckless, dangerous and an inefficient use of your time. You’re better off doing basically anything else. Here’s why:

• Squats hurt your knees. We all know this to be true – especially if you squat anywhere near to parallel. All of those Olympic weightlifters, pro athletes, powerlifters and bodybuilders who squat all the way down are genetic outliers with divinely engineered knee joints. Plus, steroids.

• Squats require you to place a loaded barbell on top of your spine! It’s practically in direct contact with the vertebra. This is just stupid. It would be different if there were some kind of muscle group there, maybe trapezoidal in shape, that could form a cushion between the bar and your delicate spinal structure but since that hasn’t yet been discovered this statement is 100% accurate.

• You just don’t need to do squats to build muscular, strong legs. Focusing on things like leg presses, leg extension and lunges is a far more effective way to build great legs. All those lifters who used squats were on steroids and that’s the only reason they got results. You need to train the small, assistance muscles in order to pull the skin closer to the muscle anyway.

• The back squat is more of a low back exercise than a leg exercise anyway. Just look at the name: BACK squat. Plus the physics says so. If my math is correct, and according to my PhD. in Mathology from the correspondence college of Nigeria it is, the following formula illustrates my point perfectly:

L2*Sq=(R3/3I)531

I won’t bore you by actually explaining what any of that means in terms that any normal person could actually understand. Just suffice it to say that back squats are terrible for you spine. Anyone who says differently is probably on steroids.

Steroidsmeme

• No sport outside of powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting or Crossfit requires you to place a load on your back and lift it straight up. Therefore, squats are not a functional exercise. So why waste your time? It’s not like the ability to exert force using a rigid, neutral trunk and activating the musculature of the hips, knees and torso is ever going to come about in every day life.

• I know this dude whose friend went to school with a Navy SEAL who says squats suck. This point is axiomatic.

• Heavy squats, on top of destroying your knees and back (see the above points), will make you slow. Everyone knows that lifts that move slow make you slow. Therefore, heavy squats will hurt athletic performance.

• Squatting is too hard on the central nervous system. Squatting more than once a month will totally burn out your CNS and lead to overtraining. Nobody in the history of lifting has ever been successful by squatting more than once a week MAX. Nobody. I dare you to find one. The Bulgarians were all on steroids.

• The Olde Time Strongmen didn’t do squats. If they didn’t do them, you don’t need to do them. These dudes were jacked and strong and we’re all pussies nowadays because we don’t do anything they used to do. Including putting extra E’s on of the ende of stuffe that doesn’t neede it. And why didn’t they squat? Because there were no steroids back then.

I know some of you trolls out there are going to say that there are only 9 reasons there. First of all, remember my Mathology Doctorate and stfu. Second, you’re probably all on steroids. Therefore, nothing you have to say regarding training is evenly remotely applicable to us natty lifters.

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{ 172 comments… read them below or add one }

joel pucchi February 21, 2013 at 4:44 am

haha, this is actually funny. people are way too serious if they don’t get the humor.

Scott Meier February 21, 2013 at 8:50 am

Great article! Love it! And the comments are just as entertaining. It’s pretty clear who just reads titles, and who actually reads the whole article.

Chris February 21, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Oh my god these comments are so awesome. I thought the article was funny, but the comments make it so much better. How many more meatheads are going to jump on here with their panties in a bunch and get all keyboard tough-guy on the author?

This guy February 21, 2013 at 3:56 pm

1/10. Wasn’t trolled in any way.

Jim February 21, 2013 at 8:09 pm

What an idiot

Tone February 21, 2013 at 8:19 pm

LOL. “The Bulgarians were all on Steroids”

Atif February 21, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Totally had to read this twice before getting it was a joke…maybe if i didnt do so many squats id have gotten this faster

anthony February 21, 2013 at 8:30 pm

If this is serious….. You are a fucking idiot.

Christian February 21, 2013 at 8:34 pm

I use squats to pick up my steroids… I mean I have to take a Metric Shit Ton of them (not Imperial) to be able to do squats.

Agnes February 22, 2013 at 5:31 am

HAHAHA Hilarious!! So glad I read the entire article.

MoeDouche February 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

Love the equation! (XXXXX) to the 531th power! LOL!

Jonathan February 22, 2013 at 11:16 pm

Great post, well done Chris!

Jonathan

dave February 23, 2013 at 9:42 am

bro u r stupid, squats is the best exercise for you hole body. do you even lift bro?????

Greg February 23, 2013 at 12:54 pm

You’re a fucking idiot

dan February 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm

this guy has to be the biggest fucking retard in the world. hes probably some crossfit fag. go snatch 30kilos for 30 reps you cock sucking ass bandit. Ill go squat hundreds of pounds become stronger and leaner and more badass. what a fucktard.

Carrie February 24, 2013 at 5:12 pm

This is hilarious! Notice that the people who comment about squats being amazing, sound completely illiterate. Dave – I think you need to lay off the squats. Your grammar, punctuation, and capitalization is horrible! It should be your “whole” body, not your “hole” body. Don’t forget, you always capitalize the beginning of sentences. Your “squatting” is taking a toll on your brain. Ha ha!!

Christopher Smith February 24, 2013 at 8:38 pm

Lmao at some of these comments. I can only hope they’re trolling. Otherwise some of the above are an indictment of the writer’s educational level and reading comprehension skills.

Tommy February 25, 2013 at 1:17 am

Lololol! I cannot believe SO many people don’t understand this is satire. How in the world could you not figure after even the opening that it isn’t serious??

Gene February 26, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Way too funny…love it!

He's making a joke February 28, 2013 at 2:31 am

Pay close attention to what he wrote. The correspondence college of Nigeria. Mathololgy. Trapezoid shaped muscle. He’s just making fun of the real idiots who actually say stuff like this and believe it.

Vladislav March 1, 2013 at 5:59 am

Most stupid thread i’ve ever read my entire life

Andrej March 3, 2013 at 8:00 pm

and according to my PhD. in Mathology from the correspondence college of Nigeria it is, the following formula illustrates my point perfectly:
What an reference.. Mathology – college Nigeria :D

L2*Sq=(R3/3I)531

HAHAHAAA this guy is a genious. 531 exponent. One of the funnieste sarcastic articles :))

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