It is well documented that squats are a horrible exercise choice for anyone who actually cares about their body. They are reckless, dangerous and an inefficient use of your time. You’re better off doing basically anything else. Here’s why:
• Squats hurt your knees. We all know this to be true – especially if you squat anywhere near to parallel. All of those Olympic weightlifters, pro athletes, powerlifters and bodybuilders who squat all the way down are genetic outliers with divinely engineered knee joints. Plus, steroids.
• Squats require you to place a loaded barbell on top of your spine! It’s practically in direct contact with the vertebra. This is just stupid. It would be different if there were some kind of muscle group there, maybe trapezoidal in shape, that could form a cushion between the bar and your delicate spinal structure but since that hasn’t yet been discovered this statement is 100% accurate.
• You just don’t need to do squats to build muscular, strong legs. Focusing on things like leg presses, leg extension and lunges is a far more effective way to build great legs. All those lifters who used squats were on steroids and that’s the only reason they got results. You need to train the small, assistance muscles in order to pull the skin closer to the muscle anyway.
• The back squat is more of a low back exercise than a leg exercise anyway. Just look at the name: BACK squat. Plus the physics says so. If my math is correct, and according to my PhD. in Mathology from the correspondence college of Nigeria it is, the following formula illustrates my point perfectly:
I won’t bore you by actually explaining what any of that means in terms that any normal person could actually understand. Just suffice it to say that back squats are terrible for you spine. Anyone who says differently is probably on steroids.
• No sport outside of powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting or Crossfit requires you to place a load on your back and lift it straight up. Therefore, squats are not a functional exercise. So why waste your time? It’s not like the ability to exert force using a rigid, neutral trunk and activating the musculature of the hips, knees and torso is ever going to come about in every day life.
• I know this dude whose friend went to school with a Navy SEAL who says squats suck. This point is axiomatic.
• Heavy squats, on top of destroying your knees and back (see the above points), will make you slow. Everyone knows that lifts that move slow make you slow. Therefore, heavy squats will hurt athletic performance.
• Squatting is too hard on the central nervous system. Squatting more than once a month will totally burn out your CNS and lead to overtraining. Nobody in the history of lifting has ever been successful by squatting more than once a week MAX. Nobody. I dare you to find one. The Bulgarians were all on steroids.
• The Olde Time Strongmen didn’t do squats. If they didn’t do them, you don’t need to do them. These dudes were jacked and strong and we’re all pussies nowadays because we don’t do anything they used to do. Including putting extra E’s on of the ende of stuffe that doesn’t neede it. And why didn’t they squat? Because there were no steroids back then.
I know some of you trolls out there are going to say that there are only 9 reasons there. First of all, remember my Mathology Doctorate and stfu. Second, you’re probably all on steroids. Therefore, nothing you have to say regarding training is evenly remotely applicable to us natty lifters.